Questions I can't help but ask (Journal Entry 4.1.09)
Ive been moved to write in a way I haven't been moved to write in some time. Damn it! I wanna do more, be more I wanna chase things of value that are timeless and that do not age. Are principles, ideas, god, design, our minds, our hearts, ourselves or something left unmentioned something worth chasing? Are any of these things worth living for? Ive been shaken by the story of John Adams, by the historical relevance of him and the times he lived in. He said about his best friend and wife Abigail "I cant comprehend God creating such a beautiful creature for the mere purpose of it to live and die on earth" Yet it seems even John Adams and his "bigger than life" story is a spec on the grand scale. I watched 7 hours on John Adams this week and he wasn't even the 1st president, he was the 2nd. He was a one of many involved in America gaining its independence. I knew little of him before watching the HBO series, and to learn of his role in American history is remarkable. I cant help but wonder who the 2nd Pharaoh of Egypt was, or who helped write Romes "declaration of Independence" I wonder of each soldiers story through all of time, of their wives and children, I wonder of the number of countries that have existed since the beginning of time. The desire to be something more than a spec, more than a statistic burns right now inside me. How many pens and pencils are touching down notebooks and paper at this very hour? For what? Why? Am I so delusional to think that the records of my life would be of any interest to this grander scale? Is not any great pursuit selfish? Love is selfish, if it were not we would not demand to be loved back. The noblest of pursuits such as feeding the hungry or caring for the homeless, are these not laced with selfishness? Ask one of these good Samaritans "why do such acts?" Predictably their answer starts with a vague explanation of duty or human need. Pry further. Ask more, you will hear a variation of "it makes me feel good". Does this make them any less noble? or less of a kind heart? Why do I feel I have to work to work? I work to do noble work. I thought designing was noble, it definitely is not. Is feeding the poor noble if you enjoy it? Is the designer who gets the same "good" feeling as the care taker of the poor pursuing anything more or less meaningless? or magnificent? Is it my fault I get a rush for things I feel will mean nothing on a historic level? If I barely knew of John Adams, who will know of me? and if there is one who I have positively impacted by my existence surely there wont be another to document it.